Logical meme
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.” The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died. “Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me! Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died. “Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.