Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT š©
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT š©
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, āIs that the best you can do?ā
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
Whatās more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said āfuck youā so Iām very excited for 2020
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesnāt glow on tees.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
Iām going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says āIām sorry folks, but weāve just lost both engines. Weāre going to crash and die.ā The teacher exclaims āOh my God, the poor children!ā The lawyer replies āFuck the children!ā The priest asks āDo we have time?ā
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.ļ»æ
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I feel like something is off but I just canāt put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just canāt put my head to it
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out heās a web designer.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
Itās because they look up to me.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, āThatās outrageous!ā He just shrugged and said, āThatās inflation for you.ā
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18