LOL🤣🤣
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
A redditor walks into a bar…
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far