Lol
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR