lol

The kids are taking it pretty badly

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. ​ They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" ​ The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." ​ "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." ​ God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" ​ The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." ​ God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." ​ God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" ​ The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."

Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."

A ban from the petting zoo.

"What's your name?", asked the teacher. ​ "Mohammad," he replied. ​ "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. ​ " Mohammad returned home after school. ​ "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. ​ "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. ​ "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" ​ And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. ​ The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. ​ "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. ​ ​ "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

I'll return

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"

I guess we are raised differently…

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

Most things escape baby goats.

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

About two Brazilian

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”

she kept you