Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.