lol
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
,,,,,
Chameleon
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
I’m ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.