LOL!!
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
