Lol pickles go pee pee
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
An ancient mathematical joke
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Did you know that Iron Man is really just Fe male?
No text found
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
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