lOl xD sO fUnNy
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
The wishes conundrum…
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down… The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
