lolS
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
