LOL!!!xd😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.