Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.
“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.
The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females.
The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.”
The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears.
The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females.
The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter.
The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!”
The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female.
The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie.
He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.

My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁

Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision." Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face. On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing." Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar. As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?" The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"