Long live the USSR
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
A little old lady…
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.