look at the despair in his eyes
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
Why can’t snowmen have carrot cake?
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.