Look at this.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
https://ift.tt/399tpzc
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.