I always need to console myself.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
Because burning it will get you stoned.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
But that's just splitting hairs.
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
Oh you are? I see. Why?
It was the alpaca-lips.
She hugged me.
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
„Were you even listening to me?!“
They're throwing a hissy fit.
Thank God it came back negative…
They don't have Seoul.
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
But they just never work out
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."