Look how they massacred my boy
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
He was really in a pickle.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
So they called it a day.
A four-chin teller
Then I realized I hate country music.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
She has the worst stutter ever.
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
She turned on the front camera
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
does that make you an iWitness?
It's about time
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
These are uncurtain times
Because they have mass
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Communication is key
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
He got a sentence.
Land in it when they're not looking
I think she’s in love with me.
Mostly because his name is Steve
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".