Value of acceleration due to gravity.
The joys of StackOverflow
This is the official white house Halloween corn maze
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
The Onion at it again
Imagine dying and you hear this is playing in the background
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
Ah yes, the good old days
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
No, that’s Socialism
I don’t know about you..
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Now he’s a REPUBLICAN
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
Found on Facebook (Of course)
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
A man’s fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
MonkeyUser – Edge Cases
green with anger
The great leveller
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
Last one in the bunker turn off the lights.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
*Razer and Docker Spiderman pointing on each other*
I just created a new word,
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Mitch, if you’re listening…
So many idiots
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
the infamous retail voice
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Women are way to emotional.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
Phone bad. Head being cut by grass remover thingy good.
Because only boomers are busy apparently…
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
That’s why I hate my science teacher
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
Coffin Dance in Hacettepe Hospital in Turkey
Am I supposed to taste metal and blood?
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.