Looked for my favourite meme just to find it massacred. F.
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
if it isn't autocorrect.
Verb, not adjective
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
With a sea-saw.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I General Lee don’t find them funny
She couldn’t see that well.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
He makes gunpowder for a living.
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
Your body takes a screenshot
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
but later decided to let it go.
He was a Fizzsician
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
I wonder what he’s up to?
I have contacts.
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
It means a lot to them.