Looking at the situation in USA
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy. "Me too," says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
What do they call Miley Cyrus in europe?
Kilometry Cyrus.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!