Looks like Bernard is about to kick that infant’s stroller
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
