Looks like I’m about to hack NSA.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I just found an origami porn site…
… but it’s paper view only.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
