Looks like Tom Hanks is having a *ball* in quarantine.
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
It only made it more sluggish.
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
It's a pane in the ass
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
That would be a big step forward for me
…I can't pull anything out in time!
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
It really makes my day.
Tell him Obama put it in…
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
You want a piece of me?
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
His sails went through the roof
and don't get a reaction
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
They’re always up to something.
it had a bad pilot