Looks like Tom Hanks is having a *ball* in quarantine.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answersโฆ
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think Iโm a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks โWhy is the last one so cheap?โ
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The doctor looked at my test results and said, โSir, youโve got a very rare disease.โ I said, โHow rare?โ
He said, โYou pick the name.โ
A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat
'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher 'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy 'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher 'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was โshe was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?โ The wife replied โperform the fucking autopsy!โ
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."