Looks like Tom Hanks is having a *ball* in quarantine.
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
I
J
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
