Looks like we’re left with Celsius I guess.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!