Looney Tunes cartoons are a goldmine for puns.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
