Lord have mercy
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
No text found
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."