Losing my absolute shit đđđ

I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldnât do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day

NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Why did the teddy bear say ânoâ to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
If Iâm being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If Iâm being objective, itâs Dr. Whom.
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
We donât sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign âwe donât sell to blondesâ in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman âexcuse me, Iâd like to buy this TVâ And the salesman responds âIâm sorry maâam we donât sell to blondesâ Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman âexcuse me, Iâd like to buy this TVâ To which she is met with the same response âIâm sorry maâam we donât sell to blondesâ She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman âexcuse me, Iâd like to buy this TVâ To which he responds âsorry maâam we donât sell to blondesâ Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman âexcuse me, Iâd like to buy this TVâ To which he once again responds âsorry maâam we donât sell to blondesâ She lashes out screaming at the man âHOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW IâM A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HEREâ âBecause thatâs a microwaveâ he says.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasnât too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
Iâll beheading there shortly
Why does no one know what happens after death?
Itâs coffindential
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, Iâm still working on it.
I am retired…
I was tired yesterday and I am tired today as well.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
How fast was Thorâs hammer destroyed?
Hela Fast.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
You know what happens if you donât pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
An ancient mathematical joke
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."