Loss pt. 2: electric boogaloo
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
