Love a business name pun
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
Guess who came crawling back
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
He felt his presents!
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
I just never had the balls to do it
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Because you can’t C in the dark.
They seem a bit shady.
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
He wrote back "I can't complain"
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
Yes, we arson.
It’s not the end of the word.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
They both barely cover the asshole
There was a B
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
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Apparently the paper was Jamming.
I've only got myshelf to blame….
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
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