Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
That sounds a little far fetched
Curiosity killed them all
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
We can all legally leave.
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
I exist and she doesn't
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
He said he couldn't complain.
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
The pupils, they dilate.
I’m a faux pas.
I hope you're happy now
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
My thoughts are with his family!
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
But it’s definitely up there.
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I call it my Trail Mix.
Throw them in the mainstream
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
I said that makes 2 of us.