Love that wholesome boomer humor ♥️
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.