Love to see it
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
I own only two types of clothesâ I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you canât see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was âworkâ and how much of it was âpleasure?â A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, âSir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.â
![[OC] Reminding coworkers to test their code be like…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/s4sh9q23eaz31-400x338.jpg)
When you think of 2020, whatâs the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
TIL why nurses always carry red crayonsâŠ
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
