Low quality and shit filter absolutely ruin it
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
