Low yield drug Emithithumab coming soon to Step exams near you

Then I was born.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.

I haven’t decided yet…

… I can do it with my eyes closed.

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”

They just don't know it yet.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! ​ Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

John Travolvo

He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"

He was under a tack

Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects

What's the worst part about time travelling jokes? ​

Boy, do I have some news for her.

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches

It was a little drum attic.

A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!

Sneakers

…but it was fired.

No text found

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

You live like this?

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”

I never get included in anything either.

…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”

It's Tangled and Frozen.

Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.

The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !

One Buck