Lowkey I almost feel bad for those jerks
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.