Lucky guy in a random service station somewhere South of Brisbane.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
