A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.