Mac and cheese.
I mean how low can you go
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
On my desk, I have a work station.
Mostly because his name is Steve…
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
They deserve a no bell prize
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
I told her we use names now.
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
I haven’t heard from him since
A garbage truck.
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go. The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?” He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?” The first guy says, “Small world.”
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
No text found
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
The cornea the better
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Because communication is key.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
They're throwing a hissy fit.
He did CrossFit.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Son up to son down.
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
Shomething sheemsh Amish
You have my word
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk