I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.