Made a geological version (Geology rocks!)
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.