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I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
And for my next trick, I will dissapear
Fuck you pear, you taste like shit
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."