Made me snicker
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien đ˝ (Illuminati theme song playin')
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied âminus oneâ, I said…
âYours is one what?â
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Donald Trump
[removed]
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
Itâs a case of in one ear and out the udder
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
I have the worldâs largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time âdad Iâm hungryâ and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Why is womenâs soccer so rare?
Itâs hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Is âbuttcheeksâ one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.