Made mediocre black bean soup and dropped the pot in my hand
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
No, I don’t think he will…
my thoughts (e-)xactly
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
No more tickets
Don’t judge a book by its cover
The Silicon Valley Hierarchy of Needs
Also why football man don’t stand up
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
I wish it wasn’t so.
My dad told me he was entering an Iron Man competition then sent me this.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
How to print new line in Spanish…
Who woulda thunk it?
The four horsemen of politics
What an odd way of spelling Turtle.
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
I need a better Twitter bubble
It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
Why the guy I just fired didn’t tell me sooner?
In alternate reality
Let the natural selection commence!
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Really puts things into perspective
When you try to define constants?
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
How old am I? I need to feel your breast..
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
When you order something online versus when it arrives
Thank You Lord
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
How to get rid of the virus…
Priorities in order
25 yrs of experience
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
Pass it on
If it only was that easy
hehehe it’s a gun
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
Science or not science there is no passing grade
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
Putting on a Dog and Putin Show
Oh no water fell on my laptop😢
Please don’t ask us to vote for this asshat
I feel this.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
don’t be a dinosaur and text
Mad respect brother
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
I’m jus sayin
If generosity was the only criteria required for heaven all halogens would be in hell
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
When you’re already having a bad day, and youtube slams you with this
Song has it right
Crosspost from r/dankmemes
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
Ha double standards amirite
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack