Made my day, yesterday
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
