Made my day, yesterday
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
![[X-post] political humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/8gmk12ef78v41-400x324.jpg)
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
![[OC] code_style](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aqph1g64o0841-400x400.png)
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
