Made this during cell biology lecture xD
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network.
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network. A WAP browser is an internet browser for cell gadgets such as mobile phones that makes use of the protocol. Introduced in 1999, WAP completed a few popularity within the early 2000s, but by means of the 2010s it were largely outmoded by more modern-day requirements.https://ift.tt/2pNZFXJ contemporary handset net browsers now fully assist HTML, so they do not need to use WAP markup for web page compatibility, and consequently, maximum are not able to render and display pages written in WML, WAP’s markup language.
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
