Made to be together
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy. "Me too," says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.