“Made with mematic”
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
