Mafs
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”