mafs ya’ll
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That's the harvest part.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”